


Part 2

by Agin



Series: Drowning and hurting and lying and – [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Abuse, Anonymous Sex, Drug Addiction, Dubious Consent, F/M, Lies, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Prostitution, Rough Sex, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-13 02:18:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1209139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agin/pseuds/Agin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the second part of my <em>Drowning and hurting and lying and –</em> series and a continuation of the story.</p>
<p>Moody and oppressive and featuring a Kaidan who struggles with anger, guilt, self-hatred and depression and believes to fail endlessly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Tags may and probably will change when new chapters are being added.
> 
> I’d recommend to read part 1 of the series first.

  
When Shepard –

_No!_

There is no way to think about it.

**

Kaidan is ordered back to the Citadel.  
And Udina tells him: “You did well.” As if he’d done anything praiseworthy. And Udina says: “To stop Saren successfully, against all odds, calls for appreciation and gratitude.” As if Kaidan had played a decisive role. As if the ambassador himself would be worthy of praise. “Humanity proved its important role in the universe.”

At last Udina smiles and nods to Kaidan fatherly and states: “You did good”, as if he’d done anything mentionable.

Kaidan contemplates to punch him. To place his fist right on that man’s nose, to hear it crack and see him bleed.  
To break his ribs and kick his stomach and make him stop breathing and –

Kaidan smiles.

He says: Thank you, Sir.”

He leaves when he is dismissed and ignores the far from fatherly look which follows his retreat and follows him through the closed door and sticks to his back and his skin like –

**

During his time in the Brain Camp, Kaidan was forced to take red sand. He didn’t give it much thought then.  
Later, he took it by choice although his biotics are exceptionally strong and have always been and he told himself: “I’m in control,” and a few weeks on he lost it completely and still told himself: “I’m in control,” and after some time which he can only partly remember and wishes to forget – tries to forget and by now mostly succeeds in doing so but sometimes still doesn’t and still remembers and just closes his eyes and his mind and tries to forget anew and –

After some time he submitted to a rather agonizing withdrawal. It worked. He never touched that drug again, never fell victim to the desire to feel happy and strong and euphoric and invincible once more.

He promised: _Never. Again._ Promised himself, because who else would have cared back then? And the one who seemed likely to do so, now, is dead. Ashley. She is dead and he never told her, anyway. Not about this particular weakness. Not about anything else which is real and – deep.

Yet he feels her glaring at him while he... She watches. Which might be impossible. And- Is impossible and will never ever happen again. But still – She is glaring with eyes full of accusation.

_I knew it. I knew you’re weak. Come on, prove me wrong. Come on… But you won’t. Will you?_

And he feels Shepard’s disappointed gaze. Which might be imposs – _No!_

**

Udina took care to arrange a small flat for Kaidan. Didn’t ask for permission. “Until your promotion is official and you get a new appointment.”  
There are a kitchen, a bath, a living- and a bedroom and pieces of furniture as well. It’s cozy and awfully nice and empty in spite of everything and silent. Kaidan should be loving the silence. But he doesn’t. At all.

And now –

Sitting on the brown and squashy and comfortable sofa Kaidan breathes the white powder through his nose and it’s an old-fashioned and well-known and well-used substance from earth and it’s strong and addictive and won’t strengthen his biotics.

It’s perfect.

After using it for the first time – only three days before – and trying to silence the voices in his head he cemented his choice without hesitating and decided without thinking –

He still refuses to think.

“Stop it. _Now_ ”, a silent voice whispers in his head and repeats the words louder, full of accusation and yells from deep within and Kaidan keeps breathing, powder clinging to his nostrils like blood even if it’s white.

Later he goes to the one place he didn’t want to visit again. The secretive club. His personal purgatory. But this time he is wonderfully calm. And he smiles and laughs and actually talks to people and gets a blow-job near the dance floor without feeling nauseous because of the resemblance to the situation with Shepard.

No one notices his blown eyes. Or – nobody cares.

**

Udina sents him a message and congratulates and writes: “You’re officially permitted to celebrate your promotion.”

Kaidan thanks him politely.

**

Between visting the club and sitting in his flat and listening to the silence and the yelling and – breathing… Kaidan, unexpectedly, gets to know a woman who is tender and soft and when her heavy breasts are pressing against his chest and her thighs are clasping around his hips and when she kisses him and kisses and kisses, he thinks, sometimes, that she could make everything better.

She’s a nurse and her laughter is like silent wind sweeping over a flowery meadow.

“Stay with me, tonight”, she asks and Kaidan smiles. Tentatively. He stays.

“What are you thinking about?” She hands him a cup of tea. Actual tea with a flavor of mint and longing. “You’re so far away, many a time. Inwardly.” Her name is Yvette but she insists on being called Ivy. “Is it another woman?”

“No.”

“A man?”

“No.”

“But –“ She brushes her left foot against his naked calf. It tickles a little bit. “I’m always wondering – Don’t get me wrong. Please. But I’m wondering where you are.”

“I’m here. With you.”

They go out for dinner. They walk around the citadel, hand in hand, without destination and it’s just to be –

And when she comes to his flat, the silence withdraws and Kaidan brushes his hands through her velvet hair and plants kisses on that coy nose and actually cooks and sometimes he talks. A little bit.

“You’re a fascinating man, Kaidan Alenko,” Ivy says and just then, for a tiny, precious moment, he believes her words and indulges in the fantasy to stay with her. Live with her.  
Indulges in the fantasy that she actually could make anything better.

But then he remembers. Who he is. And how life goes. And he knows, that she will leave him, sooner or later.

He doesn’t stop taking drugs. Doesn’t even try.

He doesn’t stop fucking strangers or bending down for them.

He doesn’t reveal his true face to Ivy. He lies and lies and tries to stop thinking.

**

Udina sents Kaidan a message and invites him out for dinner. “Let’s celebrate your promotion appropriately,” he writes.

Kaidan puts him off politely.


	2. Two

  
Kaidan is dreaming.

His world is void and black and blinding and his skin dissipates under faceless hands and when he blinks, he realizes that he has lost his eyes.  
The ground beneath his feet disappears or it has never existed and Kaidan is falling and his stomach lurches. And –  
Nothing to hold on to. Nothing to feel outside and his senses whirl. Confuse. Something crawls inside his skull. Laughs with a vice of red and blue and it smells like silent cries.  
Bones scatter and melt to viscous, tasteless air which creeps deep and creeps everywhere and drowns anything. And Kaidan –

Kaidan is standing on dessert ground. It’s agonizingly silent and he is alone and then he isn’t. Shepard is standing next to him, drinking coffee. Staring ahead and talking.

About something important.

It’s _important_ but Kaidan can’t understand one single word and he has a cup of coffee in his hand which burns his skin and he tries to –

Shepard keeps talking. He looks sad. Strangely so.

While Kaidan is chewing on sand. Can’t move and he blinks, once, and can’t stop moving.

They are on the Normandy, Shepard so very near and out of reach and it smells like death and fire and Shepard says –  
And it’s one word, clearly and comprehensible and Shepard says: “Go!”

Kaidan goes. He leaves his Commander behind. He runs for his life. While –  
In his head echoes that one word. _Go!_ But Kaidan knows what will happen and he tries to turn back and tries to control his body and fails.

And then it starts again. And again. And again. And he abandons Shepard on and on. He –

_Please. No!_

Kaidan wakes up with a scream in his throat, choking him, and sweat soaked clothes and stinging eyes and he smashes his bedside table with his biotics and leaps to his feet, rushes into the bathroom to splash cold water into his face.

He ends up with bleeding hands and broken glass.

**

Ivy asks about his injured knuckles and Kaidan changes the topic.  
She doesn’t try to dig deeper but doesn’t try to hide her concern either.

**

Two weeks after meeting Ivy, Kaidan allows a man from the club to take him home.  
They drink real champagne and the man gives Kaidan some drugs which he can’t name and doesn’t try to. Doesn’t care about.

And the world tilts sideways and he is panting and naked and stroking his hands over the man’s short, short hair. It tickles his palms. It’s perfect. And Kaidan thinks of blue eyes, closes his own and allows the illusion to take place and is falling and is flying and-  
Until he hears a voice which is all wrong.

“You often follow strangers home?”

“None of your business.” _Shut up._

Kaidan is still falling and still flying and doesn’t struggle for control this time. Accepts those demanding lips on his neck and elegant but strong fingers inside his body. Breaching him. Stretching him, relentlessly.

“I could be dangerous. Insane. Sadistic.”

„Are you?” Kaidan parts his legs further, he stares at the wood cladded ceiling above. Expensive and old-fashioned and there are pale splotches blurring his vision. Needless to try squinting them away. Doesn’t work. Doesn’t matter.

“You don’t remember me at all, handsome, do you?”

“Don’t even know your name.”

“I told you my name.”

The man twists his fingers, three of them by now and pushes in even harder. And Kaidan moans and pants and throws his head to the side, nose buried in a fluffy pillow. “Who cares?”, he manages, muffled.

“We had sex a few months ago. In the club, you know. I joined you while you were buried to the hilt into another guy’s ass.” the man says. And: “You like it hard, don’t you?” And: “I’d love to fuck you until you’re screaming and then carry on until you can’t scream anymore.” And: “Would you like me to?”

Kaidan nods, frantic, his whole body buzzing and prickling. He can’t distinguish the effect of the drugs from the effect of his own arousal anymore and there is no difference, anyway. Maybe. And it’s just right.

And while he remembers the man, now, remembers their first encounter, he still doesn’t care and brushes his hands over short hair. Again.  
Thinks of blue eyes.

And.

Suddenly –

Without warning Kaidan feels like crying and feels like yelling. But he resists vehemently, curses and bites down on the other man’s shoulder until he tastes blood.  
His action provokes an instant answer. A harsh slap on his thigh. Stinging.

Long fingers bury themselves roughly in his hair, yank his head back.

“Don’t you dare,” that wrong voices growls and Kaidan tests the strength of the other man’s grip, struggles against the body which is pressing him into the mattress. He could free himself with his biotics. Can’t control them smoothly with all those drugs running through his system, but still... He could. He doesn’t. Want to.

“Do it again!” Kaidan whispers and snarls all at once, and bares his teeth and cuts off a sob, swallows it back down, bans it from existence.

There are no questions. No: “What do you mean?” No: “Are you sure?” Just a foot under his calf and hands on his body, turning him with quick and effective motions.

Kaidans stomach hits the mattress. Ungently. And a palm hits his backside. Hard and loud and painful. And -  
The blows come down on his back and his bottom and his arms and legs. Every strike with the flat of the hand. Every strike - not brutally but - adamantly. Stinging. Overwhelming.

Kaidan tries to crawl away despite not wanting to do so and is pulled back by his legs. He is sweating and whimpering and the last part – He hates showing his weakness and vulnerability and hates being unable to hide and tries to crawl away again.

And some time later his whole body is hurting and he just can’t –

He gives in and lets go and when the blows subside and slick fingers enter him again he’s not even able to lift his bottom and meet the pressure.

Kaidan flows and he feels so warm and strangely remote yet so very present and he doesn’t think of fighting the powerful grip on his hips and the blunt head of the other man’s erection pressing against his loosened, but still tight muscles, and slowly, steadily pressing in.

There are soft kisses on his neck and his left ear and this time Kaidan tries to evade the touch and defensively crooks his head and pulls up his shoulders.

The man sighs. Straightens his posture. Strengthens his grip even more. And snaps his hips. Hard. Fast.  
One of his hands lets go of Kaidan, comes to rest near his head. The other presses down between his shoulder blades, pushes him into the mattress and holds him down and makes it hard to breath and –  
Being controlled and dominated like this feels freeing.

Somehow.

A rare experience.

With each thrust the bed bangs against the wall and Kaidans erection rubs against the sheets and the other man’s dick hits his prostate. It’s enough to –  
It should be enough. It isn’t. He just can’t –

The man above him groans and grunts especially loud. And comes. Presses Kaidan down once more, sucks air into his lungs extensively and audibly, and withdraws.

The splotches in Kaidan’s vision have intensified. Intertwined. All kinds of colors he won’t bother identifying and the sheets smell too intense and feel –  
They nearly hurt. Scratch his skin painfully. It’s too much. He feels ill. Suddenly. Doesn’t know, if he did before.

The man grabs him again, oblivious, turns him onto his back and Kaidan wants to say: “Stop it. You don’t need to make me come.”  
And the man clasps his elegant fingers around Kaidan’s cock and strokes up and down and grows faster and makes him come.

“You ok?” the stranger asks and kisses his forehead all too gently. And this very last act, this display of affection, is the reason why Kaidan instantly decides against meeting him again.

**

When Ivy sees the bruises –


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some distinct consent issues. Please don’t read if that bothers you.

  
When Ivy sees the bruises, she is worried. “Did you fight?” Then she notices –  
Realizes, what she is actually looking at and that there are fingerprints on his hips and she yells and cries and says: “I believed… I am… I… Do I mean anything to you? Anything?”

And Kaidan says: “Of course you do.” And he lies: “I’ll never cheat on you again.”

And Ivy says: “All right.” And she lies: “I trust you.”

She kisses his forehead and his lips and he doesn’t shove her away.

**

Udina sents Kaidan a massage and writes: “We should meet for dinner to discuss your next appointment. I’m sure we could find a way to accelerate proceedings.”

Kaidan puts him off politely.

**

He doesn’t know what day it is or what time but it’s dark and quiet. Around him. But he –

Later he vomits on the concrete. The world is blurred and reeling and swinging in and out of reality and Kaidan can’t find home. Or the flat which isn’t home at all. There is no place he would ever call –  
There never was –

**

Some day he forgets to meet Ivy and realizes that he did – more than one time –  
And when she yells at him, he feels a small pang of regret but he needs –

And then she looks at him with sad eyes and full of words which remain unsaid and come to life, partly, in one question: “Are you still with me?”  
And Kaidan nods because his voice would betray him but his face does the same.

He smiles and Ivy doesn’t cry.

She could say: “I’m a nurse. I know that you are taking drugs. I’d knew even if I were half blind and deaf and oblivious as a kitten.” She could say: “You look like shit.” And: “You are cheating on me. You don’t even try to hide it anymore.”

Kaidan doesn’t stay with her at night. And she doesn’t ask him to.

**

Time goes by. Maybe days or weeks or months. Kaidan couldn’t tell.

His only indication of its passing is his depleting deposit and in the blink of an eye and a centuries spread he is short of credits. He thinks about asking Ivy to lend him some and that’s when he realizes, that they haven’t met for –

A long time. Or whatever. And he feels a small pang of regret again and tries to call her. Tries and tries and abandons trying and goes to the club and takes those drugs called cocaine and heroin and some other stuff and gets lost again and –

**

His dealer is tall and mean and batarian. The latter shouldn’t be an issue. Kaidan doesn’t mind aliens. Not at all. So it should not and it still is –

Most of the time Kaidan manages to forget. Most of the time. Not –

“Two hundred credits,” the dealer says and Kaidan knows. He shouldn’t be in debt. He knows where this would lead. He knows how remarkably the batarian anatomy resembles the human in parts.

Those parts he serves so well.

Kaidan feels ill.

His former dealer –  
Years ago –  
That batarian never forced him physically and never hurt him and Kaidan even didn’t mind particularly, as he had sex with strangers all the time and it was just the same. Nevertheless…

He didn’t mind at those particular moments. But later, when his throat was raw or his gait strained, when the effect of the red sand wore off and the greed for more hadn’t hit him yet he showered too long and too hot and too cold and didn’t look in the mirror and suppressed –

Sometimes his migraine hit him at those times and Kaidan welcomed it.

His dealer says: “Two hundred credits.” And Kaidan thinks of past times and thinks of Udina and of blue eyes and how he didn’t try to get into the Commander’s bed even though it had been expected from him and that there is nothing left of the soldier he tried to be and nothing left of Shep – _No!_

Kaidan pleads to be allowed extra time. He promises to pay later and more and knows that he won’t be able to.  
His dealer stares at him. Penetrating. And gives in to his pleading with no hint of placableness.

**

Kaidan thinks about stopping, thinks about getting clean. He contemplates it approximately five minutes and drifts inexorably to staring at the wall in his unloved flat and stares and stares and –

**

Kaidan thinks about being compliant. How bad could it possibly be? Why clinging to the last few pieces of dignity?

**

Kaidan thinks about –  
He injects part of his precious reserves – has stopped sniffing it, has long since decided to use a more efficient method. And – while feeling the substance’s impact and still longing for more and needing more to reach the peak and realizing that he doesn’t enjoy it at all – he thinks about taking too much. Deliberately. Or using his biotics and using his own strength to burn and explode and –

Simply end. Put an end to all that – All that –

He can’t find the right words and can’ find the courage.

**

Kaidan doesn’t think of the woman who had to die and doesn’t’ think of the man who had to -  
 _No!_

**

On the next meeting with his dealer he confesses: “I can’t pay you.”

And the batarian says: “Yes, you can.”

It is fast and hard and Kaidan doesn’t put up a fight, relaxes his jaw, controls his breathing as much as possible.

Later, while Kaidan is still kneeling, a distasteful flavor on his tongue, the batarian doesn’t deign to look at him but forms his words with precise and merciless emphasis. “You will find a way to earn some money. Next time, I won’t let you off the hook so easily.”

And Kaidan tries to swallow without vomiting.

“You don’t want to displease me. Be sure about that.”

**

Returning to his flat –  
 ****  
He doesn’t do it. Well aware of the unsufferableness –

He wouldn’t be able to bear the silence.  
And he just walks and walks and even with the hard-earned drugs in his system the well-known and yearned calmness won’t arise and he can’t get a grip on his body and his hands won’t stop shaking and he feels the sweat on his forehead and in the back of his neck and it’s cold and clammy and he still can’t stomach the awful taste in his mouth.

It’s –  
While walking past still destructed and by now repaired structures and perfectly polished surfaces, he doesn’t try to get a look at his reflection. It would be needless. Kaidan can perfectly well imagine what he looks like. Anyhow –  
His feet find their way to a commonly esteemed part of the citadel, a place where he doesn’t belong. Where disapproving glances and suspicious whispers follow his way, graze his back and hit him face on.

Kaidan doesn’t shrink away. He rather feels a strange kind of satisfaction and bathes in waves of disgust and condescendence and deprecation and –  
It feels right.

Deserved.

No need to hide anymore as his worthlessness is easily to be seen. It’s freeing.

Strolling through the place as if he belonged here, Kaidan considers his possibilities and his mind is as clear as it hasn’t been for a long time.

He could write Udina a message, accept the man’s invitation – the expressed one as well as the implied – and could ask him for credits and offer to meet him regularly. But would the ambassador be willing to get involved with a junkie? Probably not.

Kaidan could offer himself to other men and carry on with the things he already did all the time and add just another – accent.  
Dodging a young and awfully smitten couple, Kaidan closes his eyes for a split second as his vision blurres.

_Face it,_ he told himself. _Stop beating about the bush._  
 _Prostitution._  
 _If I carry on like this, I’ll be forced to prostitute myself. And – Yes. I’ve done it before. It should be easy. I did it just a short while ago. Why fuss about it?_

The other possibility is to stop taking drugs. Kaidan has done this before, too.  
But, as the thought penetrates his mind and sprawls like a self-satisfied fault-finder, Kaidan realizes that he doesn’t fear the withdrawal but can’t bear the idea of –

Living his normal life.

And he realizes that he can’t bear his current one as well and with his mind still strangely clear and numb he comes to rest and he concludes –


	4. Four

  
Kaidan is at the Presidium Commons. He feels good, he thinks. Feels nothing but numbness and that _is_ good and perfect and just what he’d wish for if he had the strength to wish for anything at all.

The water beneath shimmers peacefully. He finds himself smiling, disturbingly, blissfully and doesn’t try to resist the persistent tug in the corner of his mouth.

To his left is the café named _Apollo_ and perhaps, in another lifetime, he’d just sit down there, and he’d have some beer and a piece of cake or juicy steak and watch the people passing by.  
Kaidan visualizes this scene until he can all but taste it, feel it, see it and he dwells in the luxurious idea of being another person, of forgetting and going on, of not needing to forget and just for a tiny moment everything seems all right.  
It’s a sweet, little lie and life could have been so much easier if Kaidan would’ve been able to get lost in sweet, little lies.

There’s a railing in front of him. He puts his hands on it and looks ahead and down and breaths.

The voice coming from his left is completely unexpected. “Enjoying the sight, Alenko?”

He turns his head.

Vakarian. Casually leaning against the railing.

Kaidan blinks. He hadn’t expected to see anyone of the old crew ever again, never _wanted_ to see them expect one man and –

_No!_

He shakes his head, shakes off the thought and the images and the things he can never –

“You working at the Citadel, now?” Vakarian asks, and Kaidan gives a short nod, averting his eyes, looking down at the water, so still and peaceful and safe.

“Yeah.” The turian huffs out a breath. “Of course.”

Silence stretches awkwardly and Kaidan, forming words in his mind, begs Vakarian to just. Go. Away.  
 _Piss off_ , lays on the tip of his tongue. He won’t voice it.

“So… You’ve been doing well?” Vakarian says. It’s no question.

Kaidan nods anyway.

And silence stretches again.

It’s hard not to fidget. Kaidan wants to go. Wants to get it over with, as his calmness threatens to break, the numbness becoming fractured and he doesn’t want – It’s too much and – and –

“You know, I once met a turian who used to call humans _The Faceless_ ”, Garrus says conversationally. “Because – it’s not that simple to read their features. Same problem the other way around, I suppose. But it gets more and more easy over time.”

Kaidan keeps looking at the water.

“But, even the most reclusive and oblivious turian would immediately realize that you are far from _well_.” Vakarian states as if he’d been talking about the weather and Kaidan refuses to show a reaction, shame and humiliation worming their way back into his mind.

_Worthless. Weak. Dirty._

_No!_

_Shut up! ___

He screams internally and when he hears his voice getting lost in the air he realizes that he didn’t keep silent and he cringes and lifts his hand from the railing and turns to walk away. Just away. Make it stop. Stop. And he’s pulled back, the turian seizing his arm in a vicelike grip.

Kaidan snarls at him. “Let go of me!”

But Vakarian simply shrugs, piercing blue eyes inscrutable. “No.” he says.

“It’s not your business!”

“Huh. So, why won’t you tell me what exactly isn’t my business?”

Kaidan clamps his mouth shut.

“You expect me to go and look the other way.” A simple statement and – yes! - that’s exactly what Kaidan expects him to do. That’s what people _always_ do. How ironically that now, of all times, someone should decide to care.  
He reaches for his biotics, just one shove to get free, just one - And he reaches and reaches and realizes with increasing panic that he can’t do a thing, can’t even touch the tiniest bit of his power.  
Can’t –

 _Calm down_ , he berates himself. _Focus. I just need to get back to my room._

And, breathing deep and slowly, Kaidan feigns defeat. “Right.”  
It _feels_ like defeat.  
“You are right. I’m just – Give me some time, ok? I need to… I need some time to myself.” That’s perfectly true. The next sentence, however, will be a lie. “We could meet again, later.”

Something happens in the turian’s face which Kaidan can’t decipher and he waits and does his best to look truthful and finally - _yes_ \- the grip on his arm loosens.

Vakarian tilts his head slightly to the left, steps back, his arms now hanging at his sides, the claw-like fingers twitching in unconscious movements. “Go”, he says.

And Kaidan does.

**

Sitting on his bed Kaidan stares at the drugs lying in front of him. It’s a sufficient amount to kill a human. It’s just what he needs. The last thing he’ll ever need.

He smiles.  
Maybe.  
His face feels strange.

_Ignore it. Doesn’t matter._

Once, when Kaidan was about sixteen, some other guy accused him of being “too fucking cowardly to live”. In the end, he won’t be too cowardly to die. And - it’s about time, should have happened much sooner.

Kaidan’s still smiling. Or something else.

He takes the syringe, tilts it from one side to the other and watches the clear liquid, the lethal blend which could drive you mad if it wouldn’t kill you. His last solution, and he is not afraid, but absolutely calm, and he rolls up the sleeve of his left arm and thinks of peaceful water and artificial sunlight which seems to be so real and perfect and thinks of other illusions and fastens the leather strap around his upper arm.

It happens when he pushes the syringe against the crook of his arm, just before it breaches skin: Shepard’s face appears in his mind’s eye. Observing, assessing, and so very, very alive and real and - it’s just another illusion.

 _He is dead._ For the first time Kaidan allows this thought to take shape.

 _He is dead. And I am a drug addict. And a male whore._ There’s neither rage, nor despair or shame and the needle breaches his skin, and he presses, and the drugs mingle with his blood, and Kaidan lies down and closes his eyes.

He feels his breathing slow down, then pick up and his body starts to revolt and loses control, and he knows that it’s done, it’s happening and panic threatens to overwhelm him. He forces it down.

Hopefully it’ll be over soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if I won’t answer or will answer with (great) delay – please be sure that any comment is appreciated and loved and that feedback is like a flashlight of happiness in my mind (that sounds rather stupid, but, well…) – especially the positive ones of course, but I’m open for constructive criticism as well.  
> So, to make it short: Thanks to everyone who decides to leave a comment.
> 
> PS: Next chapter within the next days.


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets better, and it gets worse. [I’m sorry, Kaidan.]

When he wakes, Kaidan starts to scream.

First, he doesn’t know why. Then, he remembers, and he thrashes about and curses and whimpers and his whole body _hurts_ , and why is he still alive?

He tries to form words. His throat is dry. He coughs. And then he screams again and tries to sit up and coughs and gasps for breath.

He is not alone.

Someone grabs his flailing wrists and pins them to the bed.

Kaidan fights. Looses. Feels weak. _Weak._ Again and again and forever and out of nothing he remembers an old poem saying, “Nevermore” and, “Nevermore… And my soul from out the shadow that lies floating on the floor / Shall be lifted – nevermore!”

And he is laughing. Pathetic. Silently reciting. Reciting like someone who tries to be interesting. Stupid. Ridiculous.

And he tries to get free.

He is being held down.

“No!”

Then his sight turns black and his mind falls into darkness.

**

A voice penetrates the haze. Talking to him?

Kaidan tries to open his eyes but his lids are too heavy and it’s impossible to move and his chest is constricted, his lungs burn and he can’t breathe. Bright dots dance in front of his blind eyes, taunting him, laughing, raging, crying, and he is drowning.

_Let go._

He is drowning, floating and it hurts but that’s not happening to him. Not his body. Can’t be. Never his.

_Let go._

And a blow falls brutally down on him and his lungs scream with the first breath, more than they did without.

Someone is sobbing.

Someone is talking.

_Sleep._

**

There are moments of brightness. Garrus Vakarian at his bed and a human doctor who is very serious and speaks explicitly, and tells him that he is momentarily experiencing the consequences of the various drugs he injected into his body and the side-effects of the withdrawal.

The doctor says, “I can’t give you anything. Even the smallest dose could result in complications.”

And he says, “You’ve got too many drugs in your system. Yes, it’s dangerous to completely cut you off right away, but it’s still safer.”

And Kaidan begs. He hates himself for doing so.

Sometimes he retches.

Sometimes he screams and spits abuse and swears and tries to _hurt_ someone. Anyone.

He tries to flee.

One time, he cuts his left wrist with a piece of broken glass. After that, they tie him to the bed, and they bring him water only in plastic cups.

He wails.

In the end, he is always begging.

**

Then, there are moments of terror. His perception derails and forms nightmares.

His body _burns_ , his eyelids are sewed up with uneven stitches, his tongue and stomach and heart are torn out, torn apart, and he can’t move, can’t do anything at all, and he _forgets_ who he is, who he’s supposed to be and –

Faces talk, mouths curled, eyes wide open. Glazed over. Dead. Staring dead and talking, spitting.

Someone screams.

Silence.

A blue smile. Scar crossing the hairline. Crawling over a head. Weeping red. Blood. And wailing and cracking. Inside is darkness and it’s guilt punching him, and kissing his lips.

No.

Never kissing.

He’s alone.

A woman is peeling her skin off her body. Reaching for him. “It’s yours.” Voice like a whisper. A ghost. And she burns. She explodes. Ash. Black ash and fire. Still red, white, screaming fire. She smiles at him. “It’s yours.”

Your fault.

And he’s alone.

The man drifts away. Blue eyes. Drifts away and away and away and disappears and.  
“You abandoned me.”

Abandoned him.

And there’s nothing.

He’s naked. He’s writhing in satin and writhing in barbed wire and sighing and moaning. And, “Yes.” “You’re so good.” “Like that.” “Open up.” And he screams his release, and he bucks and it feels _so good_. Writhing. Barbed wire cutting his skin. Tearing him apart.

“Take it.”

Naked. Again, always, and thousands of eyes are staring at him. Disgust. Fingers pointing. Lips curling. Laughter. Whispering.

In the end: Nothing. Everything. And he can’t get away and thorny sobs crawl through lifeless skin.

**

Eventually, it gets better. And worse.

“Why?” Kaidan asks Vakarian. A blame. An accusation, and the turian just stares at him with his piercing eyes and keeps silent.

Later, he says, “Shepard had a decidedly soft spot for you.”

And he says, “You called for him. In delirium.”

And, “Do you think he’d like to see you like this? Throwing away your life?”

Kaidan screams at Vakarian, pulse pounding in his ears, blood roaring. “What does it matter? He’s dead!” Later, “Leave me alone!” And again and again, “Leave me alone!”

“I can’t force you to stay alive”, Vakarian states, voice cold and freezing. “Take your chance or leave it.”

“I won’t save you a second time.”

And suddenly, Kaidan is scared. “Why?” he asks and there are so many possible meanings and he himself can’t decipher them, and he doesn’t try to cut his wrists again, even if he could.

**

“You didn’t bring me to hospital but sent for a doctor.” Kaidan is sitting in a chair.

Vakarian’s leaning against the wall to his right. “A discreet one. Thought, you’d prefer to have this incident not written down in your file.”

**  
One day, Kaidan looks into the mirror and is greeted by tired eyes and pale skin and strained features and yet – he looks better and that in itself is awesome and frightening.

He hates himself for looking healthier and despises –  
And he hates himself for not being able to appreciate the change and _hates_ the sudden fear, blurring his vision and constricting his throat, hates the emptiness inside and the perception to fall, without anything in reach to hold onto.

Tears are running down his face and that’s the most hateful thing of all.

 _”Feeling better, now?”_ a scathing voice sneers inside his mind. _”What’re you going to do about it? Can’t trust you to do something useful, can we?”_  
And another voice, sighing and containing resigned knowledge within itself, ads, _”You are clean. You are alive. It’s your responsibility to make use of it.”_

_“You should feel lucky. What are you afraid of?”_  
 _“You’ll mess it up. Like you did before. Like you’re doing again and again and again while others hurt and die and get no second chance.”_  
 _“Pull yourself together. You’re no little child who can cling to its mother’s coat-tails. You’re a grown man.”_

_“You’re nothing.”_

Kaidan crushes his fist against the mirror until it breaks.

**

He’s alone again. Vakarian has left, heading towards some unknown destination. Kaidan didn’t ask about it, Vakarian didn’t offer any information.

Alone again, and no one can hear the mirror breaking, can see the blood leaking from a lot of tiny and some larger cuts. No one can hinder him from picking up a shard and walking to his bed with measured steps, sitting down, pulling his legs up.  
The situation’s eerily similar to the moment in which he’d put the syringe to his skin. Eerily – or only to be expected. Not in the least surprising.

Kaidan’s right hand is resting on the bed, the shard between weak fingers, red blood soaking cloth, staining the white sheets.

There’s a scar on his left wrist, ugly and jagged, healed by now, but still new. Crosswise. It’s much better to cut lengthwise, Kaidan knows. More efficient.

_Do it properly. Just once - do something properly._

Kaidan doesn’t move, stares at the shard and stares nowhere, and his breathing slows, and his mind trickles slowly and trickles like his blood, and it would be so easy. Irrelevant, if he’d manage to cut his second arm, with the first one already severely injured and life seeking out of his body. Irrelevant, if someone would find him – it would be too late.

Kaidan doesn’t move. His muscles are lax, and his mind trickles and trickles, and he tries to lift his hand, and he tries not to, and he thinks about getting drugs, just once, and the thought gets lost again, until everything gets lost.

Kaidan slumps down. He falls asleep.

**

“Take your chance or leave it”, Vakarian had said. “I won’t save you a second time.”  
Maybe, he’d meant to say, “I _can’t_ save you.”

Kaidan still doesn’t understand the turian’s motives and he still can’t forgive him and he screams, when he wakes – as he did before, and this time he’s tortured by another kind of pain.

_He can’t. Do. It._

He can’t use the shard or use anything else or even go out to acquire drugs – somehow, however.

Dark clouds are forming. Pressing down onto him. Guilt. And Fear. And helplessness. And dept. And expectation. And _rage_.

**

Something needs to be done. Something _will_ have to change.

**

Kaidan gets up when he feels hunger churning in his stomach. He eats.  
He washes his hands and stitches the deepest cuts up by himself.

The shard is still lying on the bed, coated in dry blood and guilt and loathing.

**

Kaidan’s sleeping again. Sleeping all the time, just getting up to eat and drink, until his supplies run out.

**

The decision to get up and get out isn’t born out of convincement or willingness. It’s surrender. Kaidan knows, but he can’t even bring himself to feel ashamed, his capacity for emotions overburdened. Burned out.

It’s freeing.

It won’t last.

**

One decision made, the next one follows hard on its heels.

If anyone where here to ask Kaidan, “Why are you doing this?” he wouldn’t be able to give a proper answer, to seize a clear motive and shape it into words, into sentences, into sense.

He feels like water, cut off from one riverbed and inevitably forming another one with some parts of himself, while the remaining droplets and puddles just seep away.

He can’t die by his own hand. He can’t go back to taking drugs. Therefore: He’ll return to serving as a soldier of the alliance.

There’s no need to hack his personal file to know that he’s classified as unstable and unfit for duty. It’ll be hard to convince his superiors of his seemingly improved condition. It’ll be impossible to completely regain a trustworthy reputation. Therefore: If he doesn’t resort to the help of someone who could pull some strings, he won’t _ever_ get an important task again.

He can’t – can’t, can’t, can’t, _can’t_ \- settle himself for serving as ordinary soldier, carrying the proof of his failure with him for anyone to see at any time. He can’t. Therefore: He has to do, what needs to be done.

There’s one thing Kaidan has to give and one influential man, who’ll most certainly be willing to take it.

_Take him._

The blood’s roaring inside his head and his heart is racing and his vision blurring and his skin’s prickling uncomfortably and disgust and self-loathing are welling up – and Kaidan resits.

He pulls himself together. Finally.

_Just do what needs to be done._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote’s from _The Raven_ (Edgar Allan Poe).
> 
> Next chapter coming soon.


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> Please don’t read this if you’re disturbed by texts containing detailed scenes with _seriously_ dubious consent.  
>  I’ll add a short summary to the end notes, if you’d prefer to skip this chapter.
> 
> …
> 
> Jeez, I’ve a hard time posting this – but, here we go…

Udina stands in front of his desk, body straight and hands clasped behind his back. His dark gaze is flicking over Kaidan’s face, assessing.

“So you’re here to ask for a new deployment? And a promotion?” The ambassador sounds neither incredulous nor welcoming, and Kaidan suppresses the urge to speculate, stays calm and says, “Yes, Sir”, forming his features to a mask of self-confidence and silent competence. Surprisingly, it’s not that difficult.

And utterly pointless.

_You’re hedging. Stop it._

He is freshly shaved, his hair impeccably groomed and even if his clothes may be a tiny bit too large, as he has undeniably lost some weight, Kaidan knows, that he’s attractive. Knows it because of the way Udina’s eyes decidedly _don’t_ leave his face.

Yet, there’s still the possibility of failure. Again. Another situation than those before, but essentially the same. He fails and fails and –

The ambassador may have implied his intentions towards Kaidan more than once, but never voiced them in words you could hold against him, has been unmistakable without being unmistakable – a politicians mind.  
And judging by his current behavior, he won’t take the necessary step without further motivation.

“You do realize that your behavior any time recently states no recommendation to trust in your capability”, the ambassador states. He can’t know about the suicide. But he knows enough.

And Kaidan forces his mouth into a believable smirk, preserving the mask of a man who seems to be calm and centered, but at the same time allowing tiny cracks to show themselves –  
Allowing Udina to see insecurity and unhappiness while providing him likewise with a front to cling to, to fight off the own bad conscience. _”He wanted it as much as I did”_ , Kaidan can practically hear the ambassador’s voice inside his head. _”He didn’t say no”_ , he hears and Kaidan feels sick.

_Do what needs to be done._

And Kaidan turns his head – just a little bit – as if unconsciously presenting his throat and parts his lips and holds the ambassador’s gaze and can virtually see Udina’s pupils dilating.

“Maybe we could find a – possibility - to reach agreement…?” Kaidan pitches his voice low, knowing how to sound like black velvet on naked skin and sound like temptation and so very inviting, and he feels as if following the script of a cheesy movie.  
Which is uncomfortably appropriate. After all, he is an actor who’ll never be qualified to take up an important role but who’s handsome and rather talented in bending over and taking something else entirely.

Kaidan, again, refuses to acknowledge the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. _What needs to be done_ , he reminds himself.

“What do you have in mind?” Udian asks, all too easy relenting, joining in the script.

Kaidan closes his eyes for a moment - _Just fucking do it!_ \- and opens them again. His fingertips are prickling. He takes one step towards the other man, hears the rustling sound of his own trousers, suddenly too loud, and he smells coffee when the other man exhales and smells something else he can’t decipher.

“I’d like to make you feel good”, Kaidan says, taking another step. “May I?” He waits, heart thudding inside his chest, head spinning. He waits and holds Udina’s gaze and produces a strained smile which shows silent shakiness – the latter not difficult at all.

And he waits and watches the internal battle behind Udina’s eyes and watches emotions betraying the man’s serenity. Guilty conscience and fear for his reputation and obvious desire. There’s still the possibility that he could back off, could dismiss Kaidan entirely, get rid of the temptation.

This mustn’t happen.

Kaidan closes the gap between them, puts his hands on the other man’s hips and brings his mouth next to Udina’s left ear. He breathes, “You can take me.” Vocalized permission. Badly hidden reluctance. Superficial want. Compliance. Resignation. Concupiscence.

It tips the scales.

Udina caves in. Or more precisely: He dismisses any restraint. Quite harshly.

Resolute hands fall down onto Kaidan’s shoulders and a sudden wave of panic wells up in the biotic’s mind, renders his body rigid – even if barely anything has happened yet - and he hears a sharp intake of breath which isn’t his own and recognizes a man who secretly enjoys to use some force, and images take over Kaidan’s mind and physical –

_Stop!_

He wills himself to keep calm, keep his mind on the current task and forget about similar situations, just remember his skills. On the ground, in front of a male person. That’s hardly new.

And Kaidan unlocks his knees, doesn’t resist when Udina pushes.

And he feels like – and he’s falling and losing his grip and -

His breathing derails.

He sinks to the ground and sees –

The ambassador is obviously aroused.

One hand grabs Kaidan’s hair and yanks his head back and pulls until Kaidan shuts his eyes tightly against the pain, and just one tight breath later the sound of a hard palm connecting with Kaidan’s cheek echoes through the room.

“Open your eyes!” Udina commands and Kaidan complies, just to see determined fingers work in front of his face. The ambassador doesn’t even bother to undress. He simply takes out his half-erected penis, grips it at its base and, wordlessly, slaps Kaidan’s face again. This time with his erection which is much less painful but all the more humiliating.

Kaidan wants to close his eyes. He wants – feels the sudden need to exclude himself from the visual, and he knows he can’t. And he breathes raggedly, and the muscles in his face hurt strangely, and he opens his mouth to allow the inevitable.

_Don’t fight it._

“Eager, are we?” Udina growls, scathing, far from being composed or restrained or civil, and he slaps Kaidan again and again and yanks at his hair for good measure and Kaidan can’t suppress a pained groan. He steels himself to accept the expected intrusion but Udina just starts to stroke himself to full hardness.

“Open your trousers and push them down to the middle of your thighs”, he demands, his voice laced with dark and predatory undertones.

Kaidan complies with heavily shaking hands. The implication of the other man’s words closes around his throat and threatens to choke him and –  
He’d thought he would be prepared to do anything, as he’s a far cry from innocent and has done it so many times before. But somehow – it just feels terribly wrong. _He_ feels wrong and filthy and foul and - _Whore_ , his mind supplies, and Udina adds, “Your pants, too.”

The ambassador is fully erect now. “Do you want me to fuck you?” he asks and Kaidan tries to nod despite the rough hand in his hair.

“Say it.”

“Yes.” He forces out and is shocked by the strained sound of his own voice. No black velvet and seductive temptation any more.

“Use a whole sentence.”

The words are stuck in Kaidan’s throat. He tries to swallow around them and tries to swallow despite his strained throat.

A hard erection slaps his cheek. “Do it!”

“Please." Kaidan rasps and doesn’t know what he is pleading for, or he _does_ know but he can’t – “Please,” he repeats and changes the meaning. “I want you to fuck me.”

_I can and I will do this!_

Udina chuckles. “Filthy, little liar,” he says and then, without warning, forces Kaidan’s mouth open and shoves his penis inside.

Gagging around the sudden intrusion, Kaidan inadvertently scrapes the hard flesh with his teeth.  
The grip in his hair turns from painful to agonizing, and Udina doesn’t pull back but shoves deeper into Kaidan’s throat, chocking him and growling, “Watch it!”

And Kaidan tries to relax, feels the aching in his jaw and the inevitable tears run down his face, and the searing pain in his lungs, begging for air. His hands flail helplessly, finding purchase on the smooth fabric of Udina’s trousers, on the flexing thighs of the man who slowly pulls out now and allows Kaidan a few deep breaths, just to push back in, and he does it again and again and pushes in and out and in, always too deep and too hard. Ruthless.

Kaidan has shut his eyes tightly, and this time there is no sharp command, nothing but harsh grunts and strained breaths and the wet sound of a cock sliding between subdued lips.

Kaidan struggles to keep still and struggles to conjure memories and images – not the bad ones but those which are enjoyable and _good_ , and he tries to let them embrace him.  
And - it marginally works and he starts to feel the tiniest bit of arousal stirring in his groin. He likes it rough, after all. _Just let it happen. It’s all right. You can enjoy this._

And maybe he actually could.

Which would be worse.

As soon as Kaidan feels the arousal, it’s drowned by nausea. Enduring the things, which are happening and about to happen, is one thing. It’s bad and awful and humiliating, but _enjoying_ them…  
He chokes not only because of the penis plunging down his throat. He chokes and gags and his hands unconsciously clench the other man’s trousers.

That’s the exact moment Udina pulls out and shoves at Kaidan’s shoulders.

Losing his balance not only psychologically but physically, the biotic drops onto his backside. He doesn’t register the impact but feels, intensely, the cold floor against his very naked skin. Knows, what’s going to happen next.

“Up”, the ambassador commands.

Kaidan can’t move.

“Get. Up.  
As tempting as it may be… I won’t come down your throat.” Udina smiles and it’s a disturbing expression, laced with something dark and dreadful. “After all, you asked me to fuck you.”

Kaidan’s trembling.

An impeccably polished shoe nudges his inner thigh, near his exposed groin, glides up and down and up, lifts his testicles with a delicate motion, almost gently.

“Get up”, Udina says with an even, silent voice. “I won’t ask you a third time.” And his shoe presses lightly down onto Kaidan’s perineum.

“I –“ Kaidan swallows. There is no reasonable explanation why the mere thought of being penetrated not in the mouth, but –  
No reason. If he relaxes it won’t hurt. And, anyway, he knew it would happen. It’s all right. If he can suck a dick like a whore, he can take a dick up his ass like a whore, as well.

He’s still trembling.

The back of Udina’s hand collides with Kaidan’s cheek. Harder than ever before.

Kaidan bites his bottom lip. He tastes blood.

Then, a very neat shoe kicks into his stomach and Kaidan convulses. He knows pain. He has endured much more. Yet. He is sobbing. He is aching. It’s so much worse than –

“You know what you’ve to do”, a distant voice states calmly. The ambassador pets Kaidan’s head, suddenly changing back to gentleness and Kaidan tries to dodge the touch. A harsh hand fists his hair.

“It’s your choice”, Udina whispers into his ear, crouching down next to Kaidan. “Either I’ll fuck your mouth until I come, and after I’ve finished and you’ve swallowed it all down, you can go but you won’t ever get a deployment again, or, if you want my help, you get up and show me that sweet, little ass of yours and let me fuck you like a good boy.”

And, while Udina’s words seem to grow and reverberate inside the room and cut through Kaidan’s senses, and he hears, _”Good boy”_ , and he feels pain outside and inside and feels _dirty_ , disgusting, and while his skin seems to tickle strangely and seems – and everything is stained, and while he still hears Udina, something happens inside Kaidan’s head, breaks and his mind falters and gets silent. Remotely, he’s aware of the third option. He _could_ overpower Udina easily.

He doesn’t do it.

Kaidan stands up as if remote-controlled.

“Forearms on the table.”

Kaidan bends down and puts his arms onto the table.

“Palms down.”

Kaidan lays his hands flat against the even surface.

“Widen your stance.”

Kaidan parts his legs as far as his trousers allow.

He hears an unsuppressed moan and then he feels hands on his backside, spreading him, kneading his flesh, one hand leaving for a moment and returning - an unforgiving finger presses between his cheeks, breaches him and pushes inside. Thankfully, the finger’s slick.

 _It doesn’t hurt_ , Kaidan thinks. Nothing more than a dull pressure. Everything’s dull.

Remote.

His mind drifts, distant thoughts passing by.

Then, a very hard erection forces its way into Kaidan’s body, gliding deeper, pausing.

Warm breath ghosts over Kaidan’s neck while a hand closes around his soft penis.

“You are beautiful like this”, Udina says and starts to fuck Kaidan slowly.

“Born to be filled up”, the ambassador sighs. “How many man have had you, mhm? Must have been a lot.”

A kiss is pressed to Kaidan’s neck. “Your hole should feel too loose and used. But it’s just. So. Tight.” The last words are accompanied with three sharp thrust, rocking Kaidan’s body, and he doesn’t offer resistance and is only held back by the other man’s hands, one still cradling his penis, the other gripping his hip brutally.

Words turn slurred in Kaidan’s mind as does time, and he doesn’t make a sound besides the breaths which are pressed out of his body when the thrusts become more and more forceful and then erratic, and finally the pressure on him and inside him eases off and disappears.

“Get dressed”, he hears the command from behind, and it’s surprisingly difficult to raise and to bend again and to pull up his clothes. Nonetheless, his hands are perfectly steady when he closes his trousers.

He turns around and looks at Udina, holds his gaze and can feels the ambassador’s release trickle down his thighs.

The other man stares back. And stares. Then, he adverts his eyes. Clears his throat.

“You can go now. You’ll receive a promotion and a new deployment within the next days. I’ll see to it.” It sounds suspiciously like an excuse.

Whatever.

Kaidan doesn’t care. He is carved in stone.

He leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary:
> 
> In order to get a promotion and a new deployment, Kaidan offers his body to Udina.
> 
> After some minor convincing, the ambassador finally accepts and takes what he’d wanted from the start.
> 
> Kaidan, refusing to acknowledge that he can’t manage the other man’s forceful and abusive urges, goes through a self-destructive circle of shoving away and ignoring suppressed memories and fears and finally ends in a detached mental state, which finds its peak in the sentence, _He is carved in stone._
> 
> The chapter ends with Udina promising Kaidan a soon promotion and deployment and with Kaidan leaving.


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… I decided not to apologize any more for how slowly I am posting the chapters, because even if I _am_ sorry for making you wait – repetitious apologies are a bit tedious, aren’t they?  
>  Therefore, I assure you one more time that I won’t abandon this series (as long as there’s one person who wants to read it, it’s worth the occasional struggle), but I mostly can’t make any promises regarding “when” and “how long”. (If I can, I will do so at the end of the chapter.)
> 
> As always – expect mistakes because I had no beta reader.

  
Horizon is a paradise full of rich and green woods and fresh water and it’s a wonderful place to spend your live and be free and –

Kaidan neither hates it, nor does he enjoy the environment.

He doesn’t care about the colonists who are mistrusting him and doing their best to make his work as difficult as possible.  
He doesn’t care about the gazes which are following him around as if he’d be something strange and suspect, something you’d either scrunch under the sole of your shoe or at least regard with utmost caution. Some shady figures have tried the former shortly after his arrival. One of them will be limping for the rest of his life. The others will only scar.

Kaidan can use his biotics again. And he _does_ use them, and it’s so easy to fight back anyone when you – just don’t care.

He suspects that a lot of the colonists he’s interacting with are actually afraid of him. Which doesn’t keep them from being uncooperative and useless.

Kaidan should be angry, maybe livid. Because of them.

He should be furious because of his deployment in general, as he’s exiled to some remote planet on which the alliance doesn’t have any authority.

It should bother him that he’s alone.

Yet, it doesn’t.

**

Sometimes, he allows a visitor in his room.

His name is Theodore and he has blond hair, a crooked nose, is jittery and will become 22 in four days, as he’s told Kaidan repeatedly – and which Kaidan couldn’t care less about.

He allows Theodore to visit him, to bend him over a chair or the bed or the desk, sometimes, rarely the desk, and fuck him from behind, always, always from behind, and he allows Theodore to come inside him, and he tolerates kisses to his shoulder plates and his neck and soft touches to his back.

Kaidan won’t let him sleep at his side, however. And he won’t celebrate the young man’s birthday with him.

Theodore can fuck him. And that’s that.

**

Sometimes, Kaidan feels a slight craving for drugs. It’s easy to ignore.

Sometimes, he has nightmares and wakes screaming. Sometimes - or more often. After waking up, however, he forgets them without even trying to.

Sometimes, he cuts his thighs, using a sharp and clean blade. He revels in the pain, because – sometimes - he needs to feel something real.

**

All in all, time passes by without Kaidan actively noticing, or caring, for that matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of "Part 2" coming soon.


	8. Eight

  
When the screaming starts, Theodore is buried to the hilt inside Kaidan, shaking and gasping and probably deaf for some time, until he isn’t, and he staggers backwards, his flagging cock slipping free with a delicate and utterly obscene sound.

Kaidan unbends and cleans himself with a few proficient movements – of course proficient in the context of being fucked – and he pulls his trousers up and closes them, and scowls at Theodore, who is staring ahead like a spooked rabbit while his soft penis is still hanging out of his clothes, which looks pretty ridiculous.

There are some more screams, loud, fearful, and someone shoots, and a woman cries, and Theodore is staring at Kaidan now. “What…?” he whispers.

The young man is no soldier. He is weak and soft, and Kaidan forces himself to smile reassuringly. It’s an alien motion, more grimace than true expression. “Stay inside,” he says and leaves Theodore behind.

A few moments later, Kaidan realizes, that he doesn’t stand a chance.

Sometimes it’s something small and unassuming which brings you down. Nothing more than a little sting.

**

Coming to is shockingly easy and it isn’t easy at all, but confusing and unsettling, and Kaidan has a hard time realizing where he is and why and that his legs can hardly hold him up.

He stumbles.

He takes a deep breath.

He hears voices – and –

And –

**

 _This_ should have been a very important moment, a moment he should never forget, Kaidan muses later before shoving the thought away.

He is back at the Citadel and his brain continues to attack him with flashes of memory, and Kaidan continues to ignore them. Or he tries to as best as possible. Which means – it doesn’t work in the least. And he is sitting and waiting and staring at the tips of his shoes through the glass of the sleek and elegant coffee table in front of him. The urge to smash his head on the fragile surface is getting stronger by the minute.

He is staring without actually seeing anything.

He can’t-

He won’t-

And the memories assault him on and on and –

* * *

**Commander Shepard- standing before Kaidan even if he couldn’t possibly be there, couldn’t possibly be breathing, be healthy and well and - alive. ******

* * *

Kaidan is waiting and mostly he’d like to get up and get out and just _do_ something. Anything. But he is rooted to his place, motionless in the living room which isn’t his own, seemingly unable to move. So he sits and waits. And waits and tries not to think of –

* * *

**”Alenko!” There’s a smile forming on Shepard’s face as if the Commander were happy to see him. And at the man’s side is Vakarian, greeting words on his tongue as well. Kaidan can’t help but blame his subconscious for being unnecessarily cruel. Because none of that can be real, and why isn’t he hallucinating something else?**

* * *

Kaidan doesn’t lift is head when he hears the door behind his back opening, doesn’t turn around, doesn’t flinch from the hand on his shoulder and the unexpected und unwelcomingly tender touch.

* * *

**”I know it’s difficult to believe,” Shepard says. “I had a hard time wrapping my head around it, too.”**

**So he’s with Cerberus now. And his old team is with him. The members, who really belonged, at least. Naturally, the Commander hadn’t told Kaidan about his miraculous resurrection. Hadn’t contacted _him_.**

* * *

Caressing fingers stroke from Kaidan’s shoulder to his neck and into his hair, and he still doesn’t show any sign of recognition even if it feels good, somehow, and even if his skin starts to crawl at the same time.

* * *

**”I don’t work _for_ Cerberus, I work _with_ them. For the time being. They have the resources I need. We are at war. The whole universe is. And I can’t be damn particular about my allies. Doesn’t mean I trust them, of course.”**

* * *

Kaidan’s head is pulled up and backwards, the movement baring his throat and he doesn’t like _that_ in the least. Still, he allows it. He feels the soft cushion of the sofa on which he is sitting, feels it under his fingertips, and he doesn’t move on his own.

* * *

**He can’t force himself to meet Vakarian’s gaze. Has the turian told Shepard? Has he told him how weak and pathetic Kaidan is? Has he told him about the drugs and the whining and –**

**“Come with me,” Shepard says and Kaidan almost starts laughing. Of course the Commander knows. Knows exactly _how much_ power he wields over Kaidan.**

* * *

“Have you been sitting here all day?” a slightly amused voice asks, just before chapped lips find Kaidan’s throat, kissing him there, nibbling carefully, just as a lover would. “You could have made yourself comfortable, you know?”

The man’s voice doesn’t sound as if he’d particularly like Kaidan to be comfortable, even if he’s still so terribly tender.

* * *

**And just like that Kaidan is angry. Breathtakingly angry. A wave of red and black drowns him and drowns his sight, washing away the numb calmness which had been with him since his meeting with Udina. He is vivid. His hands are shaking and his heart is beating way too fast and –**

**Kaidan wants to _hurt_ someone.**

**And he feels the telltale prickle of his biotics, feels his jaw hurt, his left eyelid twitch, his blood roar and burn, his hair standing on end, feels his whole body as intensely and consciously as never before. He can’t see anything, his vision blurred and red and –**

**And he knows it. He will lose control. Knows it and doesn’t care a _goddamn fuck_ and he –**

**He is almost thrown off his feet with the impact of a body crashing into him, embracing him with suffocating force.**

* * *

The hand finally leaves Kaidan’s head, the man behind him straightening and rounding the sofa. Kaidan doesn’t lower his eyes this time. He meets Udina’s gaze.

The ambassador smiles.

“You look strained,” he states, and then he doesn’t say: “I know just the perfect way to release some of your tension,” because Udina isn’t –

He surely isn’t gone far enough to find pleasure in such cheap and mocking platitudes. This part of the – game - will come later.

* * *

**It’s a close call. Almost. Kaidan almost releases his power and almost kills. And it would have felt _so_ good.**

**The body holding him in a tight and relieved embrace is Theodore’s. The young man babbles and snivels, is complete oblivious to the danger, to the fate he only just escaped, and won’t let go and then he _kisses_ Kaidan.**

**It lasts just a few seconds, while Kaidan is torn between emotions and urges he can’t quite decipher, and then his brain catches on and he realizes that he, shockingly, has started to return the kiss.**

**He growls.**

**He shoves at Theodore, with the force of his muscles and the force of his biotics, and the young man virtually flies backwards, screaming, and lands with a pained groan. Kaidan could still kill him. He could kill Shepard. He could -**

* * *

Udina is still standing in front of him, the ambassador’s crotch aggravatingly near Kaidan’s face.

It’s no coincidence, of course.

After his first – meeting – with the other man, before the Horizon-incident, Kaidan had been sure that he wouldn’t go back to - _this_. Especially not with Udina.

And not because of someone saying: “You are a soldier. A biotic. And yet you didn’t protect the colony. People died because you failed to do what you should have done. And last but not least, you didn’t seize the chance to infiltrate the team of _Commander Shepard _, Cerberus’ bright new puppet.”__

And not because of someone saying: “It’s your choice, if your failure will be publicly known.”

To make it worse –

Maybe –

Maybe Kaidan isn’t in this position only because of those words but –

He feels the need –

Surely –

It’s hard to _think _properly. But maybe this place is where he belongs. Kaidan _has_ failed. Again. And he nearly killed an innocent. Again. And he would have enjoyed killing, would have perceived it as some kind of _relief___.  
He is despicable and dangerous in the things he doesn’t do and the things he does or wants.

Submitting to Udina feels like the most responsible thing a man like him could do. Never respectable. Never valiant. Never a hero. Kaidan is born to be a plaything, isn’t he? And while he _can’t_ -can’t, can’t, can’t – bear to be Shepard’s, he will manage to be Udina’s.

* * *

**Shepard is staring at him. And Kaidan is staring back. “No,” he says. There is so much more, screaming and shouting inside his head.**

**“How dare you?”**

**“I fucking mourned you, and I – And you couldn’t even –“**

**“How could I ever trust you?”**

**“Why _should_ I trust you?”**

**“I saw you _dying_ and you just –“**

**There are words and there are things he can’t even think to formulate, can’t grasp.**

**And in the end, all Kaidan says is: “No.” He won’t come with Shepard.**

* * *

Udina doesn’t need to instruct Kaidan. But the ambassador obviously likes to.

He says: “Open my trousers.” And he says: “Touch me.” And he says: “Not yet. Start with licking. Make it slow.”  
And he says: “You like it, don’t you?” while both of his hands clench in Kaidan’s hair, clench so hard, it brings tears to his eyes.

**

“I have thought about bringing your promotion to Major to pass,” Udina mentions a few weeks later while Kaidan is massaging the ambassador’s feet with slow and - by now - practiced motions.

“I have thought about it, but then – I’m not that powerful regarding the military. Sure, I could somehow manage it. But promoting you, right now, would require _a lot_ of favors I’d rather use for something important.”

Kaidan keeps silent. He hates the act of massaging Udina’s feet virtually more than anything else. It’s such an innocent and – fond gesture. A gesture which he would rather perform on someone he actually cared for, and who cared for him – if there were such a person – and Kaidan would like it, would enjoy it.  
He hasn’t ever done something like that, of course. But he simply knows –

Massaging Udina’s feet, however, makes him feel nauseated. Maybe that’s, at least partially, why he is ordered to do it every evening.

But Kaidan will cope. It’s all right. He just needs to take his mind off it. Take his mind off it and everything is fine.

After all, he could walk away at any time. The blame is fully on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope, you "enjoyed" (feels, like "suffer" would be the more appropriate word) it so far. The series continues with (surprise, surprise!) Part 3.


End file.
